Designed by: Jo Yeoul (19-A2)
I have been very close to someone since last year, and soon I realised I’ve kinda fallen for her. But since the year started we’ve been talking less and less and less, because of school work and stuff. Now it’s the exam period, and I’m a bit sad that we don’t talk as much/are not as close anymore. What can I do about it? And should I confess eventually after A levels? I do want this friendship to stay but I’m afraid it isn’t mutual and it all becomes awkward and I lose this friendship.
Thank you for sending in your question! I hope that my advice will help you out, and that I didn’t take too long.
Now that the exam period is coming to an end, I believe this would be a good time for you to step up and try to make more effort in interacting with her. Make it a habit to say a simple, “hello!” with a smile and a friendly wave when you see her in school. There is this saying that goes a little something like, “out of sight, out of mind”, so do make sure you make yourself be seen by her if you would like to stay on her mind. If you don’t feel as close to her anymore, make efforts to share more words with her! Did she post something interesting on her Instagram story? Ask her about that. Did she change her haircut? Talk to her about it. Did she wear colourful socks that day?
“Hey, I like your socks! I would never be able to pull them off… It suits you.”
Just making simple conversations such as these will immediately make a person feel more connected and closer to you as these take place frequently. Don’t worry about feeling distant, it is nothing bad. As long as you did not do anything which may spoil the relationship or make her have a bad impression on you, there is nothing which may hinder you from closing up this distance between you both.
About confessing your feelings to her, this is something which we cannot really give you a straight-forward answer to. Who knows? She may actually also have feelings for you. But we understand; if she does not share the same emotions, she may feel awkward around you and choose to cut you off. So instead of deciding for you if you should confess or not, here are a few tips!
Tip #1. Read her body language. Does she make eye contact with you constantly during the conversation? Are both her feet pointing towards you? Does she play with her hair and hands a lot when she is talking to you? When you are sitting in a group and someone says a funny joke, does she turn to look at you first? (This really works; if someone is interested in you, they tend to look at you for your reactions first.) Does she make any physical contact with you (e.g. a nudge on the back, a slap on the arm and so on) when you are talking to her? Most of these actions are involuntary and they happen naturally, so they are quite reliable in finding out if anyone is interested in you.
Tip #2. Look at the quality of your interaction. Does she ask any further questions to make the conversation last longer? Is she enthusiastic in her interactions? Has she ever asked you about your day? If she ever asks about you and your life, and she seems enthusiastic in it, it means she is making an effort to know more about you. And we can all agree, not many people will try to know more about a person whom they are not interested in.
Tip #3. Just be yourself (as cliche as it sounds) and don’t try to do anything which you normally won’t do. Don’t concoct a fake, idealistic image of yourself for her unless you are committed enough to make sure this persona lasts for the entirety of the relationship. You became friends with her because she enjoyed your company, so don’t feel like being yourself is not enough.
Finally, weigh all the possible consequences. If you do confess, she may share the same feelings towards you, and you may be able to start a new relationship. If she rejects it, the worst thing that may happen is that the relationship becomes awkward and you may lose her friendship. If you do not confess, you may be able to continue this relationship as friends but yet may regret losing the opportunity for the longest period of time. Furthermore, if you feel distant from her during the exam period in JC, are you sure you can frequently interact with her even after graduation? You may go to different institutions, and things may get harder from there. It depends on how important this current relationship with her is to you.
To share some last words to wrap it all up, don’t push yourself and force yourself to do things that you do not want to do. It seems like you have been having an internal struggle with yourself, and we hope these further tips and advice have helped you in making the final decision. Whatever the final decision may be, we wish you nothing but the best and hope that you have made a choice that you won’t regret. Thank you for sending in your concerns once again, Agony Aunt Agatha’s got your back!
I used to be friends with a person from my OG but I realized that the person has proven to be a rather shady friend for the past year. Sometimes she doesn’t return money or worksheets she borrows from me, despite me reminding her a few times. She can be quite malicious with her words at times (especially about non-Chinese and LGBT people) and I don’t feel comfortable about it. I want to distance myself from her but at the same time, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What do I do?
I am sorry to hear what you have been going through. It is never easy dealing with what you are facing right now. While it is heartening to hear that you do not wish to hurt this person, distancing yourself will definitely cause a certain degree of damage to the both of you. I think it would be wise to consider if distancing yourself from your friend is what you need to do right now. Regarding the difficulties you have been facing, perhaps you can try to be more firm when asking for your things back from her and tell her that those things are important to you. Do not rule out the possibility that she considers returning things a trivial matter, so put your foot down and correct this possible misunderstanding. When it comes to the malicious words, telling her that you don’t feel comfortable is the best solution. Despite that, try to keep an open mind and have an open discussion to overcome preconceived prejudices. Perhaps, over time, both of you can grow together to become better people. Losing this friendship may be something you regret in the future, so I encourage you to try and patch things up.
That being said, if you have your mind made up about this situation or have tried every possible way to fix your relationship with the person but to no avail, then there are two ways you can consider in order to distance yourself from this person.
Firstly, you can try a more subtle method and slowly distance yourself from the person. You should adopt a disinterested attitude when interacting with her or appear less invested in this friendship and she will most likely be able to pick up the hint and act accordingly. Over time, the two of you will drift apart and distance will be created.
The other method is to tell the person plainly how you feel. You should tell her that you think your friendship with her is coming to a phase where you are no longer certain that it is worth maintaining and that it is best if the two of you went your separate ways. Nevertheless, you should maintain a neutral tone when delivering this message.
Imagine, if you will, the second method as ripping off a bandaid and the first method as slowly peeling the bandaid off. Well, it seems like you have a decision to make and many things to consider. Regardless of your decision, I wish you good luck.
Vent your problems to Agony Aunt Agatha here and see you in our next issue!